Just like the stories in our social feeds, some things are just meant to be temporary. They say relationships are either a reason, a season, or a lifetime – so if it’s not a lifetime, find the reason or season to grow from it and move on. Here are a few tips on how to get over a crush and grow from the insights that relationship provided you…
You can start by journaling (or just thinking with an open mind).
Ask yourself what did you like about the person?
What qualities did you see in them that were appealing to you that you know you’d like to look for in the next match?
What qualities weren’t a good fit for you?
Be sure you retain the answers to that question in the forefront of your mind too, so that you don’t keep going after the same types of people and ignoring those red flags. This step is very important because most people only look at the highlight reel of all the positives and let the negatives fade away too easily.
And what did you like about yourself in that relationship?
Did they challenge you to be more adventurous, social, etc?
Those are dynamics you’ll want to look for in your next crush. Also note what you didn’t like about yourself with this person. Were you jealous, insecure, or distrusting? Remember, those are all the reasons why this person was not meant for you.
Often attachment-styles will come into play.
Your crush may be an “avoidant” attachment style which can cause you to be anxious, jealous, over-texting, overthinking, and maybe even social stalking. The avoidant person is looking for more independent style, so going after them with an “anxious” style makes them want to flee. It’s less about you and more about their attachment style.
And the good news, is that if you are one who has an anxious attachment style, you can learn to change to a “secure” attachment style and learn how to find another who also possesses the secure attachment style. You can learn all about attachment styles in this book – Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Levine & Heller.
Ruminating is a common problem after a breakup.
After you do the analysis of what you did/didn’t like about this crush and you analyze your own attachment style, thoughts may still keep popping up about the lost crush. Practice a strategy to stop overthinking and perseverating about it. When you wallow in it, it reinforces your brain that you should keep thinking about it – but you shouldn’t.
After you’ve done your analysis, you should shift your emotion to humor or wisdom to change the thinking loop so it doesn’t become a mental compulsion of negative overthinking. Say to yourself “I’ve already learned about this relationship, now I’m moving on.”
The final piece to mention is confidence.
So much of our world is accustomed to external validation – so a rejection from a crush can have a big impact. Realize that the real source of validation has to come from within yourself. Spend more time with the story you’re telling yourself about yourself than what you hear and see from others. Focus on the positive attributes you know you have and use that as your source of confidence, pushing away the poor judgements from people who don’t really know you deep down.
The bottom line is to move on, you’ll want to create space, time, and distance from that person. Grow from what you’ve learned, lick your wounds, and go forward with confidence and mindfulness!